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| I am at the library on the 3rd floor east wing doing some research for history seminar. My paper aims to compare the racism directed toward Jackie Robinson and Viv Anderson and I am continually shocked by my findings. People sent death threats, chanted racial slurs and basically dehumanized these two people in similar ways while in their respective countries. I sit back from my reseach and try to grasp the enormity of racism in general and I just can't fathom all of this hate. Hate for someone you haven't met. Hate for people because of a physical difference. It just doesnt seem right to me and I know, I know... I am making a lot of profound statements so far but just try and digest the idea of racism and all of the implications. As I try and relax and let my thoughts gather for a second, I look up and read some of the graffiti on the cubicle I am sitting at. The first part reads in bold all caps lettering, "DON'T GIVE UP". Someone else wrote in smaller handwriting something to the effect of "all you need is love". The last thing that was written in this mildly inspiring and completely ideological cubicle message was "that may be so, but I hate black people". My mind goes racing. I look at it again to see if I had misread it. Nope, still says "I hate black people". Here I am doing a research paper about a soccer player from england and struggling to find primary sources documenting the racism he experienced, and I am sitting in front of a modern day primary source. What the fuck is wrong with people. I am not naive enough to think that racism is gone or anything of that sort because I know damn well that it is not, but this seems ridiculous. I feel like I am surrounded with so much hate. Hate for baseball and soccer players by people who who feel justified in making assesments about a person's character having not met the guy and judging him by his skin pigment. Hate for a whole group of people on a cubicle wall in a library. I quickly use my pen to cross out "black people" from the graffitti but it still says "but I hate xxxxxxxxxx". I am hoping that no one can make out what it used to say because I don't want ANYONE to see it. I don't want that message to be there to offend anyone and I don't want it there so that people believe that kind of hate is tolerated. I just feel so helpless in trying to stop something that has been around way longer than I have been alive.
This was written 2 days after the Virginia Tech shootings and I haven't begun to digest the hate involved in that.
---Brian Way
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| I hate the way winter makes me feel. I am always cold. There is always some part of my body that is cold, most of the time it is my extremities, fingers, toes, nose. I am sick of it. I hate wearing 3 pairs of socks and still being cold. My feet seem like they are in a permafrost state.
I have recently discovered a personal trend of mine. I go through periods of being an extreme introvert where no one could pay me enough to share my ideas, thoughts, comments, or my attention...... to being an extreme extravert, where nothing gets filtered to the general public. I feel as if I am very reserved person on my inner thoughts, more specifically my inner judgements. And I dont really get it. At one point I crave attention and will do or say things that shouldnt be said in order to get it. I find myself looking for something to say, for the simple reason is that being look at me and respond. Maybe it is the idea that I am trying to fit in. I lose self confidence in myself and need the attention whether it is good or bad. The wierd thing is what happens next in my mood swings. I will notice something different, mostly negative that I could normally laugh off as just a random occurance, that swings me to being an introvert. No longer am I lashing out at people, I only sit and stew in a pile of my own misery. Shutting out the rest of the world and the people and stimulus that I craved only seconds ago, I remain staring at the point where the edge of the wall meets the ceiling. Thus, I go into Axe mode and try to vent about something that I can't even comprehend. I wish I really could decipher what is going on. I just dont know.
That got me on the topic of escapism. How one person uses a hobby to distract themselves from their troubles. I think that is why I take sports so seriously. I live and die with MSU sports and there is really no redeeming value to being a fan. I am no more of a spartan than some else, no better of a student, or even a better person than someone who doesn't follow those kinds of things. It is a nice distraction but I wonder if I have a problem if I feel compelled to take sports as serious as I do.
I
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| Alright, time to get down to business by not reading for class just yet.
-There are 2 home football games left, I can't believe it. I mean when I think about it, I'm speechless. WTF am I going to do next year. All of my dorm friends are graduating and the rest will be in SMB. Do I get tickets and go alone? Do I watch the games on TV by myself?
-Why does it have to be winter already? Winter equals the demise of all things fun (with the exception of skiing). All of the girls are now wearing 5 layers of clothes, Ugg boots, and north face jackets. The combination could not be any worse. I am stuck being cold inside watching the days get shorter and shorter. Of course snow is pretty but not for 4 months.
-I was rummaging through crap in my basement at home and I came upon my sophomore year SMB preseason packet with the block audition and everything. The VP letter used the phrase "John L. Smith and a rising football team" in it. yeah.... about that rising football team.
-My bike got stolen. Im stupid because I didnt lock it up. But still, it was in my backyard, I figured it would be OK. Now I dont have a car, or bike, or anything.
- I am 4/10 on the Axe mode scale. If I have not explained this before.... Its the yearn to destroy every bit of furniture in my presense with an axe. It basically is the amount of frustration I am having with life. It measures the amount of angst I have about the things that are not in conscious pyshce. 0/10 is calm, 10/10 is I am losing my mind
-I just feel like crying right now and I don't know why. I don't believe crying is showing weakness but I do feel very weak right now too.
-The classical song "Ave Maria" is one of the prettiest songs I have ever heard. I mentioned that to my mom when I heard it while shopping and she mentioned that it was sung at my grandma's funeral. I never knew my grandma on my mom's side, but I wish I could have.
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| I just found a that I used to listen to all of the time in HS. It is Rimsky-Korsakov's greatest hits and my aunt bought it for me when we went to Barnes and Noble. I remember it was freshman or sophomore year and I was having a bad day so Aunt Mary Jane took me to get a book (I believe) and I ended getting a CD. I still know all of the songs and it gives me a very intense feeling of comfort.
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| Damn, today was heavy. My family is going through some things right now that I would rather not elaborate on too much. But I will tell you that it is a difficult situation. Actually in the past couple months, I feel like I am supposed to know what the fuck to do at all times.
1) My mom was going to take a job at Interlochen Academy but the decision was ripping her apart because she would have to leave the house and basically her whole life here. That would take my little bro up to traverse with her (which he wanted to do) but i had to be constantly relied on for advice and a lot of burdenful thinking. It really sapped me of a lot of energy and I will say that it is worth it. But it seems like it was the first major family decision that consumed me and my family and it was very heavy territory.
2) the next event seems to bug me even more. I am being asked for input and I dont know how to give it. I guess I feel pressured to know what to do in this situation. I don't know what to do, I wont know what to do, and I know I probably never will but I want to help without losing my mind. I almost feel as if it is a wrong that I must right, but even more I know that I can only influence not control. I feel caught between trying to be as hands on as possible and becoming a wreck of a person, and being hands off and feeling as if i am dismissing my responsibilities.
I am learning that I cannot solve the world's problems, but it is a new feeling as I am normally the former choice. I just hope I can find the right balance between the two.
3) mildly related note, as I was talking to my dad on the phone today, he said the phrase "I talked to your mom on the phone today". That phrase "your mom" just makes me angry, when my dad says it. Its like it is just there to reinforce the separation of my parents. I've noticed it before in previous conversations and it has gotten me steamed before but it just seems like I am too pent up with frustration to deal with it. Why cant he just say "i talked to mom" because it basically means the same thing. But no, your mom means that they arent connected. Just like some random person would say that they talked to my mom. Its just another cruel phrase that brings back heavy memories. Both parents use that phrase and I just wish they wouldn't. Or rather they wouldnt feel compelled to say it. Because it hurts. It just hurts. fuck it hurts.
4) I was asked recently about the reasoning behind my "angry" away messages and I guess I really dont have an answer. I do know that I have a protected personality that stays locked away as I shoot myself in the arm with morphine to go on about my daily life. Im Ok, seriously but god damn its hard to express some feelings when you have been keeping them hidden from yourself and other people.
Im sorry if you think I am psycho after reading this. I guess I just got carried away
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